Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
