I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
