i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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