Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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