clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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