sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
