I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
