I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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