there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
