I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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