Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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