Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
