I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
why do cheetos always look like penises
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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