I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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