Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
