Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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