My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There r osticjed everywhere
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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