if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
