So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
