rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
