You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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