I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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