The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
