Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
