i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
