The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
