Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
