Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
