Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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