I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
