Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
