So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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