Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize