Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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