my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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