What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Im part way to drunk.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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