I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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