i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
