who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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