So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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