90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
