Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
