'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
