You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
