Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
