so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
