Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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