I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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