I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my poor anus
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
