Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
