I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
