while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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