Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I checked into jail on foursquare
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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