i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
