If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's no shave November. This is our time.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
