I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
