I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I lost the right to judge tonight
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
