You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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